I recently
posted a status update on my FaceBook page. It said:
In my old ways of thinking I was so certain, the foundation of my
knowledge was secure. I believed I had come to the answers and felt so
confident. I wanted everyone to know and believe the way I did because I was so
sure I knew the final truth.
These days! Well, I have no certain answers. I don't have that same
bottom line I used to have. I'm open to listening to others and have lost that
old proselytizing manner I held to so tightly.
It's uncertain, questioning, insecure, and so many other things. But
frankly, my former certainly was only on the surface. I only felt certain
because I wanted so much to be secure. But underneath I still had the same
questions and felt uncertain. it was far too scary to even look beneath the
surface.
Honestly, I feel freer accepting the truth that I don't know.
On my post I
received a comment that was very helpful. I also received a private message
from an acquaintance from over 30 years ago that was not helpful. I'd like to
post my responses to their comments.
Comment #1:
From an acquaintance of 30 years ago:
Your old ways of thinking were based on the Bible. Your new ways are
not. You told me that. Your new ways are based on your own Feeling, not the
Bible. And I understand. But I think you are "confused" (for lack of
a better word, sorry) and mislead. I have observed boys I grew up with that
Chose, became, whatever word you want to use, to be with other men. Would love
to visit sometime.
I wasn't
amused at his choice of words so I replied:
I'd
appreciate it if you would consider that I'm an intelligent adult who has lived
for over sixty years of life. I'm not confused, nor am I misled.
Your words,
and those you've chosen, are demeaning, belittling, and reminiscent of the
years I lived in the manner I described in my post, a legalistic, judgmental,
critical proselytizer.
I truly do
not appreciate being talked down to as you have here I have not chosen, nor
have I become a gay man. I cannot at all trust that any verbal dialogue with
you would be a visit. Rather it appears you believe you can straighten me out
on my crooked path.
You have me
judged already.
As I've
described in my post, I'm finally at a place in my life where I'm at peace with
God, at peace with my self, and that's the truth for me. No need for you to
worry or carry any burdens for me.
John
His reply:
I started talking to you about a year ago and then last July and we've
never had a conversation. I don't judge you.
Just curious of your new interpretation of the Scriptures. We've never had a conversation and these text
type messages can get misunderstood. Thanks, I'll be more careful. I just have
a few questions, that's all. I will not intentionally belittle, or insult you.
So, I chose
to engage him once more with some clarity on what I believe today. This is what
I wrote:
Dear Friend
from 30 Years ago,
Thank you
for the effort. I'd be more than happy to answer any questions you might have.
I'd guess you're right, I have a new interpretation of the scriptures. I no
longer see them as being spoken as I once did. For example many years ago I
stopped believing God actually said things like "go kill the
600,000...." I think the writer may have believed God said to, or the
storywriter put that message in the story for a reason. But nope, don't believe
God said that.
I also don't
believe Noah actually built a boat and gathered the two by two and faced a
forty day flood. Maybe the writer heard that story and wrote it, or someone
created that story as an allegory. But I do not believe it actually happened. I
also don't believe Adam and Eve were the actual first two humans and all else
came from them.
I do believe
these stories are applicable, significant, and meaningful for many reasons in
our lives. So, I don't diminish their value.
I also
believe Paul wrote with passion what he believed at the time. But I do not
believe all of Paul's words are as from the mouth of God. I think they were
from the hand of Paul at the time, in the culture, and for Paul's reasons. But
do I believe Paul's perspective is the rule from God? No, I don't. But, Paul
was a man who was authentically seeking God and trying his best to be a servant
of God as he believed him to be.
I think Paul
missed the mark, just as any mission serving human. I think there are some
things Paul wrote that were wrong, just as any pastor's sermon today. I do not
believe Paul had any special anointing on his pen that made no mistakes.
The Bible is
one amazing collection of the history of Jewish and Christian people seeking to
discover who God is and to try and figure out what God wants for us. No doubt,
it's useful and helpful in our lives.
Taking the
Bible literally, in my opinion, has wounded more people than we'd like to
admit. Sure, it's been helpful as well, but I cannot ignore the ways that
literally interpreting the Bible has fed man's pride, dominated weaker people
groups and individuals, and been used as a heavy hand of punishment.
I do not
believe in a literal heaven or hell as is typically believed in Christian
circles. I cannot imagine, or fathom, for one second that God has created a
hell for eternal punishment for those who opt out of "accepting God's
grace". Nor, do I believe there's a special physical place for all of
humanity to end up that I once imagined as the perfect Eden.
I loved to
believe that way when I did. It was wonderful to ponder that perfect place. But
it was also challenging, and painful to even think about anyone going to an
eternal devastation and that God might have allowed such a place to exist, or
that he would have allowed anyone go be there.
So, I'm left
with questions. Who is God? Where did I come from? Where will I go when I stop
breathing? Where are those whom I've loved that have passed on? Is creation
really billions, and billions of years old? How was creation created and when?
Will it go on for eternity? Is there really a beginning, and an end of
humanity?
But, today,
I'm okay with those questions because I do not believe truly that anyone has
the answer to any of those questions. I believe mankind has attempted to answer
them and has done so with their emotions, fears, and at times in an attempt to
control their existence and others. So, I have to be okay with this because I
don't know anything else for fact. Truth is truth, what can I say?
Being gay,
my friend, is such a small thing in reflection of the hugeness of God, life,
and creation. It's a big deal in my personal life and others seem to believe
its a big deal, but is it really?
However,
loving others, being respectful of the intense diversity of life is very
important in the scheme of things.
So, this is
just a snapshot of how I interpret the scriptures, and life these days.
There you
have it.
Comment #2: This
was from a lady I knew in a Sunday School class in a Southern Baptist church about
ten years ago. I was MOST impressed with her comment and wrote her a private
message.
Thank you John for this honesty, and thank you also for believing for a
while in a different honesty. I believe you hurt some very good and trusting
people along the way, but validated so many others. I hope in equal measure.
And truly, I am happy for you and the happy life you are living today. But
I don't think of the few years we (you, Vileen, Tony, me) shared in Germantown
as unhappy. I learned a lot during those brief years, and that's a good thing.
I loved hearing you speak, no matter the subject.
Dear SS
Lady,
When I first
met you I remember coming to your house for a gathering and you broke open a
bottle of wine with such confidence in a Southern Baptist crowd. I remember
thinking how bold that was and yet how authentic as well.
I always
remember you being a person of your own making with seemingly no regard for
what others said, or did, you would be authentically you. I always respected
that of you and wished I had the same confidence you did.
Therefore it
doesn't surprise me to read your comment on my FB post. I really appreciated
that you were able to speak of the negatives and positives of my history with such a healthy balance.
All true with some exception.In those years you were around me I had moments of
great happiness and sometimes glee. Those were mainly in a public place with
friends I enjoyed and could laugh with. I'm sure many believed John Smid to be
a happy person.
But
underneath, I was miserable. When I was alone, and alone or at home with my
wife, I wasn't a happy person. I was shut down, emotionally unavailable, and
self protective. I remember so well during those times experiencing such
resentment about seeing others who could be themselves, and authentic in their
lives. But for me, I had to cover up so many things. Oh, nothing immoral or
deceptive, but just truth about my inner turmoil.
I was in
several small men's "accountability" groups. I never felt I had to
share anything I'd done that was sinful, or immoral. But whenever the other men
would speak of their marriages I'd always shrink back because I believed myself
to be a sham. I couldn't measure up to those who were capable of, and able to
have a marriage that functioned in a healthy manner. I strove for that for 24
years. I continued to struggle to find an emotionally satisfying connection with my former wife. But, I just couldn't achieve that.
So, the happiness you have noticed in my life today is congruent with
my private life. I'm more authentic in my marriage to Larry than anywhere
public. I'm more free, connected, and content than I could have ever imagined.
Oh, you are
absolutely correct in that I allowed my belief system to damage others, wound
their hearts, especially Vileen's. I've spent the last five years of my life
trying to reconnect with people who had been hurt so that I could make amends
and reconcile with them. I've been successful in so many ways. I've been in
contact with hundreds of people if nothing else but to say I'm sorry. It's been
a truly rewarding season of my life that I wouldn't exchange for anything.
And a huge
bonus connected to my many requests for prayer in those men's groups, has to do
with my own children. I'm finally connecting with them at a deeper level and with
more freedom than ever! My older daughter said to me one day (with the same
balance you spoke), "Dad, I'm glad you're reconciling this in your life.
It's about time. I want you to think about all that you've lost trying to fix
something that didn't need to be fixed in the first place. But I hope you'll
stop hurting people." Such wisdom.
Again, thank
you for your words. The healthy balance was very appropriate and helpful for me
to read.
Please say
Hi to your husband. I missed you both when you moved.
I find it
very interesting to see how people respond to things that I write that are very
personal, and so, very challenging. I've never been a status quo person and
have often said things that get mixed responses. But here, in my personal blog,
I'm choosing to be more open and honest. I don't have anyone to please here,
and have no agenda other than just to share my personal thoughts.
This is The
Windshield of My Life.
John
