I just don't know!

I recently posted a status update on my FaceBook page. It said:

In my old ways of thinking I was so certain, the foundation of my knowledge was secure. I believed I had come to the answers and felt so confident. I wanted everyone to know and believe the way I did because I was so sure I knew the final truth.

These days! Well, I have no certain answers. I don't have that same bottom line I used to have. I'm open to listening to others and have lost that old proselytizing manner I held to so tightly.

It's uncertain, questioning, insecure, and so many other things. But frankly, my former certainly was only on the surface. I only felt certain because I wanted so much to be secure. But underneath I still had the same questions and felt uncertain. it was far too scary to even look beneath the surface.

Honestly, I feel freer accepting the truth that I don't know.

On my post I received a comment that was very helpful. I also received a private message from an acquaintance from over 30 years ago that was not helpful. I'd like to post my responses to their comments.

Comment #1: From an acquaintance of 30 years ago:

Your old ways of thinking were based on the Bible. Your new ways are not. You told me that. Your new ways are based on your own Feeling, not the Bible. And I understand. But I think you are "confused" (for lack of a better word, sorry) and mislead. I have observed boys I grew up with that Chose, became, whatever word you want to use, to be with other men. Would love to visit sometime.

I wasn't amused at his choice of words so I replied:

I'd appreciate it if you would consider that I'm an intelligent adult who has lived for over sixty years of life. I'm not confused, nor am I misled.

Your words, and those you've chosen, are demeaning, belittling, and reminiscent of the years I lived in the manner I described in my post, a legalistic, judgmental, critical proselytizer.

I truly do not appreciate being talked down to as you have here I have not chosen, nor have I become a gay man. I cannot at all trust that any verbal dialogue with you would be a visit. Rather it appears you believe you can straighten me out on my crooked path.

You have me judged already.

As I've described in my post, I'm finally at a place in my life where I'm at peace with God, at peace with my self, and that's the truth for me. No need for you to worry or carry any burdens for me.

John

His reply:

I started talking to you about a year ago and then last July and we've never had a conversation. I don't judge you.  Just curious of your new interpretation of the Scriptures.  We've never had a conversation and these text type messages can get misunderstood. Thanks, I'll be more careful. I just have a few questions, that's all. I will not intentionally belittle, or insult you.

So, I chose to engage him once more with some clarity on what I believe today. This is what I wrote:

Dear Friend from 30 Years ago,

Thank you for the effort. I'd be more than happy to answer any questions you might have. I'd guess you're right, I have a new interpretation of the scriptures. I no longer see them as being spoken as I once did. For example many years ago I stopped believing God actually said things like "go kill the 600,000...." I think the writer may have believed God said to, or the storywriter put that message in the story for a reason. But nope, don't believe God said that.

I also don't believe Noah actually built a boat and gathered the two by two and faced a forty day flood. Maybe the writer heard that story and wrote it, or someone created that story as an allegory. But I do not believe it actually happened. I also don't believe Adam and Eve were the actual first two humans and all else came from them.

I do believe these stories are applicable, significant, and meaningful for many reasons in our lives. So, I don't diminish their value.

I also believe Paul wrote with passion what he believed at the time. But I do not believe all of Paul's words are as from the mouth of God. I think they were from the hand of Paul at the time, in the culture, and for Paul's reasons. But do I believe Paul's perspective is the rule from God? No, I don't. But, Paul was a man who was authentically seeking God and trying his best to be a servant of God as he believed him to be.

I think Paul missed the mark, just as any mission serving human. I think there are some things Paul wrote that were wrong, just as any pastor's sermon today. I do not believe Paul had any special anointing on his pen that made no mistakes.

The Bible is one amazing collection of the history of Jewish and Christian people seeking to discover who God is and to try and figure out what God wants for us. No doubt, it's useful and helpful in our lives.

Taking the Bible literally, in my opinion, has wounded more people than we'd like to admit. Sure, it's been helpful as well, but I cannot ignore the ways that literally interpreting the Bible has fed man's pride, dominated weaker people groups and individuals, and been used as a heavy hand of punishment.

I do not believe in a literal heaven or hell as is typically believed in Christian circles. I cannot imagine, or fathom, for one second that God has created a hell for eternal punishment for those who opt out of "accepting God's grace". Nor, do I believe there's a special physical place for all of humanity to end up that I once imagined as the perfect Eden.

I loved to believe that way when I did. It was wonderful to ponder that perfect place. But it was also challenging, and painful to even think about anyone going to an eternal devastation and that God might have allowed such a place to exist, or that he would have allowed anyone go be there.

So, I'm left with questions. Who is God? Where did I come from? Where will I go when I stop breathing? Where are those whom I've loved that have passed on? Is creation really billions, and billions of years old? How was creation created and when? Will it go on for eternity? Is there really a beginning, and an end of humanity?

But, today, I'm okay with those questions because I do not believe truly that anyone has the answer to any of those questions. I believe mankind has attempted to answer them and has done so with their emotions, fears, and at times in an attempt to control their existence and others. So, I have to be okay with this because I don't know anything else for fact. Truth is truth, what can I say?

Being gay, my friend, is such a small thing in reflection of the hugeness of God, life, and creation. It's a big deal in my personal life and others seem to believe its a big deal, but is it really?

However, loving others, being respectful of the intense diversity of life is very important in the scheme of things.

So, this is just a snapshot of how I interpret the scriptures, and life these days.

There you have it.

Comment #2: This was from a lady I knew in a Sunday School class in a Southern Baptist church about ten years ago. I was MOST impressed with her comment and wrote her a private message.

Thank you John for this honesty, and thank you also for believing for a while in a different honesty. I believe you hurt some very good and trusting people along the way, but validated so many others. I hope in equal measure. And truly, I am happy for you and the happy life you are living today. But I don't think of the few years we (you, Vileen, Tony, me) shared in Germantown as unhappy. I learned a lot during those brief years, and that's a good thing. I loved hearing you speak, no matter the subject.

Dear SS Lady, 

When I first met you I remember coming to your house for a gathering and you broke open a bottle of wine with such confidence in a Southern Baptist crowd. I remember thinking how bold that was and yet how authentic as well.

I always remember you being a person of your own making with seemingly no regard for what others said, or did, you would be authentically you. I always respected that of you and wished I had the same confidence you did.

Therefore it doesn't surprise me to read your comment on my FB post. I really appreciated that you were able to speak of the negatives and positives  of my history with such a healthy balance. All true with some exception.In those years you were around me I had moments of great happiness and sometimes glee. Those were mainly in a public place with friends I enjoyed and could laugh with. I'm sure many believed John Smid to be a happy person.

But underneath, I was miserable. When I was alone, and alone or at home with my wife, I wasn't a happy person. I was shut down, emotionally unavailable, and self protective. I remember so well during those times experiencing such resentment about seeing others who could be themselves, and authentic in their lives. But for me, I had to cover up so many things. Oh, nothing immoral or deceptive, but just truth about my inner turmoil.

I was in several small men's "accountability" groups. I never felt I had to share anything I'd done that was sinful, or immoral. But whenever the other men would speak of their marriages I'd always shrink back because I believed myself to be a sham. I couldn't measure up to those who were capable of, and able to have a marriage that functioned in a healthy manner. I strove for that for 24 years. I continued to struggle to find an emotionally satisfying connection with my former wife. But, I just couldn't achieve that.

So, the happiness you have noticed in my life today is congruent with my private life. I'm more authentic in my marriage to Larry than anywhere public. I'm more free, connected, and content than I could have ever imagined.

Oh, you are absolutely correct in that I allowed my belief system to damage others, wound their hearts, especially Vileen's. I've spent the last five years of my life trying to reconnect with people who had been hurt so that I could make amends and reconcile with them. I've been successful in so many ways. I've been in contact with hundreds of people if nothing else but to say I'm sorry. It's been a truly rewarding season of my life that I wouldn't exchange for anything.

And a huge bonus connected to my many requests for prayer in those men's groups, has to do with my own children. I'm finally connecting with them at a deeper level and with more freedom than ever! My older daughter said to me one day (with the same balance you spoke), "Dad, I'm glad you're reconciling this in your life. It's about time. I want you to think about all that you've lost trying to fix something that didn't need to be fixed in the first place. But I hope you'll stop hurting people." Such wisdom.

Again, thank you for your words. The healthy balance was very appropriate and helpful for me to read.

Please say Hi to your husband. I missed you both when you moved.

I find it very interesting to see how people respond to things that I write that are very personal, and so, very challenging. I've never been a status quo person and have often said things that get mixed responses. But here, in my personal blog, I'm choosing to be more open and honest. I don't have anyone to please here, and have no agenda other than just to share my personal thoughts.

This is The Windshield of My Life.

John